When we talk about support, especially involving children, we often reduce it to money. You hear about dads contributing funds for their children’s needs pretty often. Believe it or not, money is not the only type of support that can (or should) be offered to a child when mom and dad are co-parenting and not together. Have you ever been to church when they talk about giving? Everyone’s minds automatically go to the dollars they give in offering, but in reality, the church says they are looking for members to give more than just money – they want your time, your talent and your treasure. And in my opinion, the children of a blended family deserve the same. Now let’s be very clear, kids are expensive! Having and taking care of kids cost money, but that should not be the only type of support the parents prioritize.
Your kids want your time. You can contribute as much money as you want to their clothing, extracurricular activities, the newest toys and much more, but nothing will match a parent spending quality time with their children. Sure, the babies are happy when you buy them that new game or those shoes that everyone is wearing, but nothing can beat the feeling that comes with having a parent show up to support their child at an event. If your kids play sports, attend the games. If they are giving a speech at school or at church, show up to see them speak. I can guarantee you showing that non-monetary support will top any amount of money you give or spend on them. It will create memories that last a lifetime and a bond that will only grow stronger each time you show up to support.
Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s talk about the most common type of support we all know and love (I say that sarcastically) – money. Unfortunately, all too often, the non-live in parent’s relationship with their kid(s) somehow is usually reduced to a monetary payment to the custodial parent each month or paycheck. As I said earlier, some sort of monetary support is necessary – kids cost money, but how do you determine how much is too much or when enough is enough, especially when the non-live-in parent has a household of their own to tend to. In most blended family situations, the custodial parent is the mom, the non-live-in parent is the dad and dad pays mom “child support” *dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn* that should assist her in taking care of things the kids need. I could go on and on and on about child support, how it’s calculated, who it favors, etc. It’s not the most well put together program in my opinion, but I guess it gets the job done.
One question I hear very often is should dad be asked for monetary contributions in addition to those being paid through child support. This is indeed a double-sided coin. On one hand, mom needs help because she is doing a lot on her own trying to care for the kid(s). On the other hand, dad can barely make a life for himself because most of his income he doesn’t even see thanks to child support. So from mom’s perspective, she’s doing so much, the least dad can do is shell out a little extra cash for a few things. But from dad’s point of view, he is already barely making it as is – and you have the nerve to ask for more?! In a perfect world, mom and dad would be able to come to an agreement regarding monetary support without involving the court. Working together in this manner would allow a little more flexibility in that mom and dad could communicate on when they can pay for certain things versus an amount determined by a chart being distributed through a completely uninvolved third party.
If you are reading this blog and are in a blended family and are coparenting, I want you to think about how you define support. And at the end of the day if you and the mother/father of your kid(s) are not supporting them in a way most impactful and beneficial to the kid(s), then it is time to make some changes – no matter what that means in terms of the $$$ you may be getting or giving every month.
-Jaleesa
Step Mamalogues 