Have you ever seen those cartoons when a person is trying to make a decision, and they have two small people on their shoulders – each enthusiastically pushing their point of view? Sometimes I feel like that is how my husband feels when dealing with me and the mother of his older children. It seems to me that there is this push and pull, back and forth that he has to do to keep both sides happy – and I use the word happy very loosely.
Now either I am super naïve or overly optimistic, but in my opinion, all of the push and pull is unnecessary. In a perfect world, we all (stepmom, dad, and mom) should have the same end goal regarding the children and their relationships with their parents – meaning we should all want the same thing and be on the same page. Well, like I said, that is in a perfect world sis! And this world is not perfect. Why can’t we all be on the same page, have effective group conversations and work together to make the best life we can for the babies?! Why is it not that simple?
One word. Emotions! Women are emotional creatures. In other words, we be in our feelings – a lot. So, while both mom and step mom may know what should happen in a perfect world ideal situation, our emotions get in the way of achieving that. Let’s take a look at a few examples.
It’s time to comb some hair. Both of my stepchildren are girls, meaning at some point in time they need their hair combed while they are at their dad’s.
Mom, for whatever reason, did not and still does not want me touching her daughters’ hair. Now I have my personal opinions on why mom gets in her feelings, but given that I am not and have never been in that situation, I will not project those opinions on that here. Maybe she has a schedule or specifics she is not willing to communicate to me regarding the babies’ hair care, I don’t know chile.
As a stepmom, when my stepdaughters are over for the weekend and we are getting ready to go to the mall or go out for lunch or go wherever, I want to make sure their hair looks presentable before we go out into public. I would not go outside without touching my hair after a night’s sleep, so I certainly would not let my stepdaughters do that either. Well, what am I supposed to do if mom has told dad and the kids that I by no means should touch their hair?! Their dad certainly doesn’t know anything about doing hair…Well, at mom’s request, I stayed away from doing their hair, leaving (back then – this was some years ago) two young children and a man who knows nothing about hair to figure out hairstyles for the day.
The family is getting together. Christmas, a birthday party, a graduation. Just like any other family, ours will get together occasionally for holidays and other celebrations.
Mom has to make sure everyone understands she is still around and present, although her and dad are no longer together. She emphasizes how close she is with your husband’s family members by loudly calling them “mom”, “brother” and so on, when she is so close to them that they probably would have heard a whisper.
As a stepmom, I just want to get to know everyone and hopefully develop my own familial relationships with my in laws. I personally do not care if my husband’s family still considers the mother of his children their family. If anything, that is a good thing for the children! However, the antics to solidify whatever is trying to be solidified are unnecessary to me, to the point I don’t even want to be bothered with being around and dealing with it. But of course, my husband (rightfully so) wants me there and by his side at all family gatherings – regardless of how foolish actions of others present may get.
The baby needs something. Extracurricular activity fees, a cell phone, new clothes – all things any child will need at some point in time.
Mom may say “ask your dad for some money baby”. To her, she’s handling the everyday expenses – food, utilities, maybe even a doctor bill here and there. Surely, dad can pay that cell phone bill every month or hash out a couple hundred for dance class, right?
As a stepmom, by all means I want my husband to provide for his children and be there in every way he can, but he is already paying a decent amount to mom in child support every month, which in reality, is taking away from the resources of our household. Keep in mind, no one calls him when there’s an awards ceremony or a performance (events where dad can render non-monetary support), but as soon as something financial is needed, dad is on speed dial!
My feelings go into overdrive when I feel underappreciated or like someone else (i.e. – usually mom or family members) take actions that diminish my role and involvement in the lives of my step children. It is not expected that all of us should agree on everything but as adults, for the most part, we should be able to put our emotions aside and put the best interest of the children at the forefront.
-Jaleesa
Step Mamalogues 