Dear Diary…Today someone said something mean to me and I wanted to scream, fight, and cry.
If it’s not clear by now, I feel step parents are under appreciated. No one grows up and says “when I grow up I want to become a step parent”, yet here we are with over 20% of us in the US with a blended family. You step up to the plate, take on this newfound role and make it your own. Every step mom has their own set of rules, but make no mistake about it, they are doing the best they can.
Storytime!
One Thursday night, someone felt the need to give me their opinion about me and my household.
I Facetimed my 5 year old niece one day just to chat, she asked me where the kids were, because she wanted to see them. I explained they are at their moms. She asked if when she came over, would they be with me so they can play, I said I would see. She asked if I could double check with their mom and see if they can come to play next week, I said the dad and I will make sure they come over. She asked how I would do that, so I explained I am their other mom and I can make sure I get them to play with you. She said okay and went off to play. Her mother grabbed the phone and coldly said “she is not their mother, she is the STEP mother!”. Taken aback I said “you ain’t gotta say it like that dang”, “well she needs to know the difference!”..my heart sank.
My niece knows I am not their biological mother. We have had many conversations where I would tell her “the kids are at their mom’s, they aren’t here this weekend”-they call me Cecile for crying out loud, not Mama.
Couple things I should mention. Fact is, blended families are more common than you think. If everyone plays their role without stepping on the other person’s toes, no problems should exist. If everyone is confident in who they are no one should feel threatened either. There is no way a step parent can replace the biological mom-EVER. Please remember that. And contrary to popular belief we don’t want to!
But in that moment a couple things happened. I cannot help but to think she was casting her personal insecurities on me, as if someone is actively trying to take her kids away from her (this is not losing Isaiah) . My emotions took a major hit, I was hurt to the core. I felt as though it didn’t matter what I did, my cup would remain at half full with respect. Oftentimes I am minding my own damn business and get consistent call outs or corrections, as if I was impersonating a whole mother outchea. I’ll tell you this, any person who feels the need to emphasize “step” feels threatened. I ask this, why are you so pressed?
In my opinion it’s not anyone’s place (except the parents), to emphasize why someone has more than one mom/dad. If a child thinks ‘she is their mom…and they are going home to their other house with their mom’ let it be just that. Trying to explain what’s already understood casts doubts, negativity, unnecessary questions, and …its 2020 we don’t need that.
That night, my husband came to save the night, because I was down and felt hopeless. It wasn’t just that comment, similar comments have been made over the years and that night it just tipped the iceberg. He reminded me that I am doing an amazing job, kids love me and more importantly, we know who we are.
Jaleesa once told me “Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently”. Stay blessed.
-Cecile
Step Mamalogues 