For the active vocal stepmoms I have a question for you; have you ever felt discouraged, helpless, and empathetic for your husband? You are trying to be partners in crime with your spouse and sometimes feel as though you have made it worse? Or confused as you are not sure what to do next? You’re not the only one, co parenting takes work-every.single.day. There will be easy days and possible hard days. As a step mom you get to witness all of this from the sideline. The easy days are great, everyone goes to bed happy and smiling, but the hard days may leave you up all night. More so your husband may feel torn and you can’t help but wonder “What can I do to help?”.
The simple short answer: Be his peace, encourage him, offer sound advice, and cast your feelings aside. Let’s discuss some examples and ways we can get through them.
Remember I mentioned my husband has an older daughter who is 19, the relationship is a bit strained if you will. I can tell it bothers him, so I listen to his frustrations and if he asks for my opinion I offer it. (Who am I kidding? I give my 2 cents regardless if he asks). He is an amazing father and it’s completely normal to feel “am I doing everything I can”. What’s done is done and it’s not my place to bash anyone, “the mother should have done this, the child needs to stay in her place, or you the dad do better!”. I can’t kick the man while he’s down. But what I can do is assure him time heals all wounds and let God handle the rest. If mistakes were made, acknowledge it, take the necessary steps to correct if you can and move forward.
Another example, this is his weekend to get the kids but it’s also your anniversary. He tries to switch weekends and the mother says no, for whatever reason she can’t switch. Now the two are in a tussle with long text messages, and emotions all over the place. You miss out on your anniversary and both of you are upset at her, after all she isn’t doing anything. You are furious your weekend is ruined, get upset at him for not rescheduling earlier and when the kids come over you have a slight attitude. You two remain at odds as you feel as if she is being the “typical baby mama” and has him by the balls. He never takes up for you and lets her get away with murder. You probably even have said “why do you let her do this to you, couldnt’ve been me, if I were you I’d take her to court, or I would result to only text messages about the kids she always starting some mess.” If everything were true about the mother, take a moment and imagine how he feels. My wife is mad, the mother of my child is mad, I can’t win for losing. It’s not that you caused this, but you also didn’t help. I’ll even go as far as saying it already had gas to it, you just lit the match. When this happens, try to make the best of things. Celebrate Thursday evening and finish off Sunday once the kids leave. Let’s also not forget the kids “do have to go to bed at night” if ya know what I mean 🙂
Last example, the mother sends a message and asks for another $100 this Friday as the kid needs some shoes. Father gets upset because this is 2 days from now and he doesn’t get paid until next week-if he would’ve known he could’ve arranged something. Or better yet he probably doesn’t agree thinking “I just gave her $250 in child support what the hell does she need this money for?”. Both of you are now frustrated as you both fear you won’t seem like a provider for the child, the mother once again gives last minute details. He is angry, expresses his frustrations and asks what to do. What side do you come in as the step mom? Yes you agree with the father, as she is known for giving news at the 11th hour and probably think the child doesn’t need shoes. Instead of “Tell her hell no she gets enough of our money as it is!”. Try another way “Babe, mention to her you don’t have it, try to communicate with me earlier so I can budget accordingly, and next week when I get little man I will take him to the store for some new shoes, he sure is getting bigger by the day”. For all you know the mother planned to get shoes at the end of the month, but his shoes split in half today so it’s now or never. Encourage him to talk to the mother weekly to check in on him, how is homework, how is school, is he doing all of his chores, and before you get off the phone “does he need anything?”.
I will admit, this ain’t me all the time. I have to remember, if I blow up, this will accomplish nothing but give him grief. I can see it all over his face, trying to make 2 women happy when all he wanna do is see his damn kids. There may be times where you have to disagree with him, you have the woman’s intuition and can see her side of things. Calmly ask questions, see if there is an alternative and every chance make an effort to help the child. There also may be times where you feel he is being taken advantage of, and everything about the coparent situation irks you to your core. You want to stand up for your man and give him reason to say “enough”.
Remember the end goal is not to make any of you adults happy, it is to make sure the child has the necessary resources from its parents to be all it can be.
-Cecile
Step Mamalogues 