Time

“Time, time, time…”

In any family, there are times when everyone is together and there are times when everyone splits off to do their own thing. That is a common and healthy family practice. It is important to bond with your family, but it is also important to allow kids and parents alone time to themselves. Well, how does this concept work when you are in a blended family? It is not as simple as everyone eats dinner together each night and is free to enjoy individual time however they please once dinner has finished.

In many cases, kids of parents who do not live in the same house see their dads much less than they see their moms. My husband’s kids have the pleasure of seeing him every other weekend, on average, a whopping 4 days per month! With that being said, when the kids are visiting, what does family time mean? Should it include everyone (dad, kids and step mom) or should there be a concentrated effort to allow the kids some quality bonding time with their dad who they really do not see often? In my opinion, the answer to this question depends on who you ask. Let’s look at a few points of view.

DAD – My husband is on the more the merrier train. If group family time is being spent, he wants everyone included and participating. If we had a dog, the dog would be included too. I believe my husband takes this approach not because he does not think his kids want to spend quality time with him, but because he figures the more time they spend around me, over time, the more comfortable they will be with me and our “blended family” situation.

KIDS – From what I can see, I believe my step children want quality time with their dad (no step mom present), which is understandable. They literally see him ~13% of the month (can you tell I’m an accountant?!). The kids simply miss their dad and honestly, they probably miss the good ole days before the new lady came around. An occasional “more the merrier” activity with everyone is okay, but it is not necessarily mandatory, nor does it need to happen frequently.

STEP MOM – I personally am all for the kids spending quality time with their dad. Building a relationship with me is important, but what is most important and the sole reason for their visits is them maintaining a healthy relationship with their dad. So while it may be important to my husband to emphasize that I am now included in their family and family time, the kids being able to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with their dad as they grow older is more important. If we saw them a little more often, then maybe I would hop on the more the merrier train, but since we don’t, the time spent needs to be spent wisely.

Now step mom, what I will say is, please do not do not do not try to make your husband choose between spending quality time with his kids and one on one boo time with you. You have 87% of any given month to have your date night or quality time. Let that man spend the entirety of his 4 days per month with his children!

So how does dad balance the two? Is the key to force the kids and step mom into time spent together or is there indeed a happy balance with specks of dad/kids time, dad/step mom time and dad/kids/step mom time? There has to be a balance somewhere, right? Honestly, I don’t know (and I am willing to bet most dads do not know either). But I do know forging everyone together at all times will not work.

What you soon will learn is that there are not many concrete right and wrong answers to how to operate in a “blended family” situation. Often times, the adults are figuring things out as they go and a lot of trial and error takes place before the best and effective solutions and courses of action are discovered. This is a tough process, but it is okay! No one has said we need to know it all or have it all figured out.

-Jaleesa