Generally speaking Mom and Dad have a responsibility to raise their kids so that when they are an adult they have the resources to be all that they can be. They would also decide together what morals, values, and discipline they would instill in the child. When the child acts out what will we do-spankings, timeout, or take away phone privileges? What kind of morals and values do we want to teach them with regards to religion, work, and politics?
Coparenting, same responsibilities but you now have to try doing this in two households. It is not uncommon for mom and dad to have different methods and it can often come to a head with heated discussions. Now try adding a step parent to the mix, you now have a situation where there are too many cooks in the kitchen.
My personal struggle is being okay with other parenting methods that I don’t agree with in my house. You may also experience some of this as well, feeling I am right, they are wrong, I don’t have a voice, or even isolated at times. There have also been some times where you want your husband to agree and take your side, unfortunately this won’t happen all the time. Your husband may be caught in the middle and trying his best so try to give him some slack.
Selfishly I believe my house my rules, they under my house so whatever rules I have they should follow. Easy enough huh? HA! Children have it hard enough by only seeing their dad every other weekend, here I come with rules they aren’t used to nor do they agree with. As long as the kids are not in any imminent danger I shouldn’t allow my opinions to overshadow the needs of the children.
I come from the whoop a child, say yes ma’am/no ma’am, stay in a child’s place tribe. A part of that is still in me, but I love to talk things through with kids so that they could grasp a better understanding of the situation and then decide their fate. Depending on the situation you can reward yourself with an ice cream trip or 2 hours of no phone. Some may think I talk too much, but when I pop off don’t think I didn’t warn you. I would say my husband is an exile of this same tribe and he is only a talker, with a calm or stern voice. He’s mentioned his distaste in spankings and I have only witnessed one time where something other than talking was done. For the most part him and I share the same values so I can only assume it is synced up with their mother. There will always be a tug of war to make sure both Mom & Dad maintain a level of consistency. Constant and open communication to make sure your kids are receiving the same treatment will take a lot of effort.
My stepkids are 14 and 16 so even if I believed in spankings, they have outgrown it. But I do believe in talks and punishment for talkback or not doing what you are told-that seems to be my hardest bump in the road. Now I want to emphasize this here; my kids aren’t bad at all. They are silly kids who love TikTok, Snapchat, jokes, money, and basketball. But they are teens, which everyone at this age starts to feel themselves a bit. A specific set of upbringing comes preset in step children, you miss out on the chance to raise them from an infant to put boundaries and learn each other as you would your own. For me, I popped in on the 2nd quarter expecting my team to already know my playbook.
For the most part we are in sync, but when my way conflicts with them, it brings disturbance to the household. When this happens I have experienced all of the following: hubby/wife argument, teens/step mom argument, teens/stepmom/dad argument-neither are preferred. The house is out of wack and functuay is messed up. So now I have to figure out a way to get this house back in order. I believe my biggest hurdle is working for things you want vs. the basic needs.
We had the kids for one summer and I was uber excited. I am finally able to cook meals for more than two, spend more time with them and get to know them better, “soccer mom activate!” I said to myself one night. The kids were at an age where allowance and chores could be implemented, after all they have been asking for money so this will work out perfectly. I enjoyed thinking of the tasks and getting their opinion on things, I even decorated a chore board. I told all my friends I am a soccer mom, I enjoyed every bit of it, nope happy hour will have to wait I need to pick up my son from basketball camp and head home to cook dinner. Every Friday was ‘payday’ for them. I would get home first and immediately I was charged up with “WHERE is my money?’”. Mind you I barely put my bags down…I had to explain, give me some time. I still need to check the chores geez, I was still yelled at, one even said “I need my money now!”…Um we aren’t even leaving the house yet. -_-
If it were my child, to be honest a spanking or small punishment would have been next for the rude mouth. But I couldn’t, I could try a small punishment with a talk. But that would turn into “Dad, Cecile did this”, “Hubby the kids did this”…he’s not even at home and I felt as if he had to be the mediator, like I was a child. I had to accept whatever was given to me and wait for hubby to get home to explain my hurt. It wouldn’t even matter what he did after because the damage had already been done. I felt like “here I am doing all that I can do so you can have a great time, you aren’t even my child and I’m breaking my back changing my lifestyle for you-and THIS is the thanks I get? Fuck it. I felt hopeless and at their beck and call. I can’t enforce anything but yet I am responsible to reward, feed, and clothe them. Towards the end I just gave up and let Dad handle it. I no longer enjoyed letting them pick which chores they wanted to do, take them to the store to spend their allowance, or help them save. If a “can I have this” came up I simply said “ask your dad”. That excitement I once had quickly came and went. I became exhausted and regretted ever trying to be a super mom.
I felt like their little bitch.
Next summer the allowance thing was blown, I so desperately wanted to try again but I knew I couldn’t take the disrespect. The Mom in me wanted to go in their room at 7am on Saturday to make them clean but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to hear the scolds, huffs or puffs that I knew would lead to an argument or hurt. For 2 months I never asked them to clean their room or anything for that matter, I didn’t care. Shortly after I got a little courage and decided to switch things up. Everyone was now responsible for their own dishes, and at the end of the night one had to wipe the counters and sweep when needed and the other needed to put the dishes that were dry up from the racks. Every Friday one would take out the trash from the trash cans around the house and the other would clean their bathroom. Small right? Uh..sure. for the most part the chores were done, but not without eye-rolls, huffs and puffs. I believe twice over the 2 summers I have given a punishment to both, no game/phone for 2 hours…yep two. Did the Dad agree to it? Sorta, he didn’t reverse it but in my opinion he did soothe them “it’s only two hours, go outside or watch TV”. That later turned into a wife/husband argument.
“The kids do not know if you are yelling at them because you are upset or if you are just talking loud”, “Why do you always undermine me when I try to speak up, I asked them to do it why did you do it instead?” ,“Why do I have to do this, we don’t do this at my moms”.
I can’t win. Second summer and I felt defeated again, shit.
No matter how many family talks of “Cecile is in this family and you have to respect her as you would me or your mother” would happen the fact of the matter I was still a third wheel. In my heart I still feel they think that they should only have to listen to 2 people, these extras ain’t necessary and get on my nerves.
I find myself saying “wait until I have kids, things will be different”. I feel then I will have an equal voice, 50-50..instead of 50-49-1. But I can’t lie, I have concerns this could become unhealthy once they come to live with us or we expand our family and have two sets of kids with different treatments. If you have siblings I am sure you have experienced “why does she get this and not me, well he did it too!” I don’t want to be the parent that put kids in therapy due to unfair treatment when they were younger. I want no parts. I find myself struggling with what to do, speak up or let it ride. Say something or be silent.
How do you discipline a child that does not belong to you? How can you properly do so without them feeling like you are being too harsh because they aren’t your child? How can the step parent feel as if they are responsible and have a say but not overstepping boundaries that have already been put in place? How can I, the step parent learn to dance this complicated dance? If you have the kumbaya family then kudos to you! For those of us that do not, liquor and sage is what I can offer. LOL No I think I have some words of encouragement, it may or may not help someone who has been in my position before.
My new method is if it’s something I disagree strongly about speak up..but ultimately whatever decision my husband makes will be the final say. After all, I am the step mom, I don’t have much of a dog in this fight. Protect my peace at all costs and let whatever happens happens. Long as the house isn’t burning down I believe my husband won’t lead them astray. He has asked that I speak up and talk to them, he wants me to play an active role in their lives. I just haven’t quite mastered how to do that and keep everyone happy.
When it comes to their well being I try to give my input on their schedule, whether its picking them up from school early or holiday schedule. I encourage as many visits as possible and will make every attempt to attend their basketball games. I also will try to make every effort to make sure they don’t need anything as far as clothes or school items. If a child is straining to see the TV I will schedule an eye appt. When a child acts out I mention it, and step aside to let nature take its course. Ultimately it’s whatever decision the mom and dad make, but I will try to give my husband whatever support he may need. The key is compromise and communication…with all parties.
-Cecile
Step Mamalogues 