Deciding to start or expand a family is a big step and a major decision for couples in today’s society. It’s not like back in the day where the expectation was for a woman to have several kids, usually starting at a very young age, no questions asked. A divorce, separation or child conceived out of wedlock was also a lot less common back then.
I believe most men, even if they go into a relationship with children, will agree every woman deserves to know what it feels like to conceive and become a mother to a child of her own. In this day and age (at my age), you’ll be lucky to meet a decent single man who doesn’t have any kids. My husband has been married before and has two children from his previous marriage. We also have a daughter together. When your husband or significant other enters your relationship with kids of his own and you all start off as a blended family, it further complicates the decision of whether or not you and babe should have kids of your own. So many things have to be considered and on top of that, so many fears (that you probably never knew were there) surface and scare the crap out of you. Will babe’s family love my baby the same way they love the other kids? Will they try to turn my child against me if we don’t have a good relationship? How will all of that impact my baby as he/she grows older? Will it be hard for me to treat my step children the same way I treat my own child?
Having a child of your own with a man who already has kids would at first thought seem like a great thing. I can’t tell you how many friends, during my pregnancy, made comments like “you’re so lucky! He’s already going to know how to do everything blah blah blah”. Let me stop you right there. I feel like so many special moments were not so special during my first pregnancy because I was so excited about something that was no big deal to my husband and child’s father because he had been there and done that before. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I went through my pregnancy alone. My husband was at every doctor appointment and was fairly supportive (he agreed to attend childbirth classes with me and went to sleep in one of them – snoring and all) but from my point of view – although I may get pregnant again and have a different experience I will never have a first pregnancy again. Those special moments have come and gone …. and most of them were not so magical.
“Well, once baby gets here, you’ll be so blissful and happy that any possible negative factors won’t matter right?” WRONG! While we were elated and so happy to be enjoying our new blessing and bundle of joy —- I still noticed certain people’s stand offish or not so happy reactions to our baby news. What hurt particularly was to see that my husband’s oldest daughter was not the happiest camper when our daughter was born. It was very clear that there were some types of emotions triggered by this new addition to our family. I am not sure if it was sadness, if it was anger or fear, but I can tell you it was not happiness. And that hurt me. However, as the years have gone by (my daughter is now 2), those feelings have subsided and eldest step daughter and my daughter are closer than ever now. It’s very clear they love each other and view each other as no less than full sisters, regardless of the fact they have different mothers.
Something else to look out for is family members (and maybe even your hubby) wanting to handle baby things the exact same way they were handled the last time around. It took some time for them to realize we are a different set of parents and things may be different this time around. For example, I was extremely careful with what I put into my daughter’s body in her early months – I made and packaged all of her baby food at home, limited her intake of processed snacks and meats and didn’t take to the tradition of giving the baby cereal in her bottle. Needless to say, this was not in any way similar to how my husband had gone about raising his older daughters. At one point, I felt so much pressure to conform to how things had previously been done, I found myself questioning my own judgement – “Should I be putting this processed “cereal” into her bottles?” Surely, I shouldn’t. I did my own research and came to the decision that I wouldn’t for a reason, right?! As a first-time mom, I didn’t have a handbook or any experience to know what was right, what was wrong or what was best, and feeling like I needed to handle things a certain way was, for a short period of time, hard for me.
Although you can receive insight (like what I tried to give here), no one can really prepare you for some of the things you will have to address or work through once you add to an already blended family. It will be a journey, but can be a good journey, if all parties involved are open minded and willing to work together in the name of “family”.
-Jaleesa
Step Mamalogues 