Step Parent is defined as an added parental to a family through marriage. This person is not the biological parent of the child(ren) but is involved in the upbringing of said child.
Someone said it best with “A step mom is the new girl in the family. She’s the one who everyone may not necessarily care to get along with, or she could be a sigh of relief compared to the last woman. Ushered into a situation so complex it’s not really understood until she’s fully submerged. She must be strong. She must be understanding. She must be selfless.” Recently an OG simply explained to me and said “My role is to pick up the pieces when the mother and father cannot.”
I married a guy who has 3 kids. Since I don’t have any kids of my own, I had the luxury of learning the process of parenting from the sideline. I love kids so as time progressed I began to treat and love them as my own. (Note: one child is 19, so I can’t really call her my kid, this is why in future blogs you’ll hear me say “I have 2 kids”.) Anywho I didn’t meet them right away. It took awhile before he was comfortable enough to have the kids around me. See he’s been hurt before and the kids are young, getting attached on broken promises is not something he wanted to repeat. I admire that, I’ve observed parents introducing their boo thang all too soon. When there is a breakup the child also has to adjust, in my opinion when this cycle continues generational curses happen-but that’s a whole nother topic.
Through our courtship of dating, the kids and I were able to form a bond. I think the most important thing is that both the kids and I had the chance to build a relationship without any expectations. The 3 of us were able to hang, get to know one another and not have someone barking in our ear “you know this is your new mom” or some crap like that. They did ask much later on would we get married and we were open and honest with them, “that’s the plan”. Blending families for holidays was effortless, they became friends with my little cousins and started having sleepovers, again with no pressure. We didn’t put the horse before the wagon and started having play cousins or play mama-nah none of that. If I had a dollar for every play cousin, aunty, uncle I’ve witnessed Sallie Mae wouldn’t be knocking at my door in 2020.
I also refuse to call myself their step mom, it has a negative connotation in my opinion. Instead I will simply say in conversation ‘my kids’. It’s known they did not come from my uterus so I don’t see a point in adding “step” in. Personally I feel they should respect me as if I am their mother so long as I have made the promise that I will love and treat them as my own. If the kids and I didn’t bond so well I’d prolly be their dad’s wife or the cruella step mom. But luckily we do, so we sort of have that blended/step mom/bonus/other mom or whatever it is ya wanna call it relationship. She is me and I am her. We family.
Jaleesa and I are two women who have very different experiences in raising these children, we also have different titles of ourselves. However we both share the same frustration, pain, and joy raising kids who aren’t ours. Getting involved with a man with children is not for the faint. If it’s not a child yelling “you not my mommy” you have to hear the mama trying to run your household from outside the house. Where is the dad you ask? Oh he’s sitting there with a confused look on his face in silence wondering why we all just can’t get along. Not to worry because behind closed doors later that night he will admit “babe you were right”.
If you are wondering “why does this matter, they have their own parents why are you so pressed about your title?”
Short answer: If you don’t know what you are how can you expect someone else to know?
The long answer: Picture yourself in a home you pay the bills at, and have kids that you have to assist in raising, and they are bad ass kids. Would you buy them ice cream or give them an allowance? Ever feel obligated to buy them something because their dad said to but you wouldn’t dare do it for your own kids? Have you ever said something as small as “eat the rest of your food” and they straight out said no? You try to put your foot down and get shot down. How do you feel at this moment? Pissed off as fuck, and disrespected.
Do you know that that spells? DYSFUNCTIONAL
It’s not healthy to be in a space where kids, man, or outside influences deter who you are. I get it sis, all you are trying to do is help raise a child given that they are now your responsibility as well. You damned if you do and damned if ya don’t.
Bright side of things, this may sound cliche but it is really what you make of it. You have the ability and the power to “be whatever it is you want to be”. You decide when you meet this man how involved you want to be with his kids and how much effort you are willing to put in. You decide what level of respect you are willing to accept from all parties involved. I also want to make this very clear, you are whatever title you want to give yourself! Step mama, mom, bonus mom, or just the man’s woman, that is YOUR decision.
-Cecile
Step Mamalogues 